Mom: It's just another word for "Sucker."

I don't know what it is about being a mom that makes us particularly susceptible to buying products that would, pre-baby, have been labeled "a total waste of money," "silly," "gross," and/or "absolutely terrifying." Perhaps it's that perfect mixture of pervasive guilt, overwhelming love, liquefied mommy brains, extreme sleep-deprivation, and a tendency toward retail therapy that makes us the perfect target for marketers of freaky baby stuff. I don't know. All I know is that this stuff scares/grosses the crap out of me (kind of like Goosey Goosey Gander).

Zaky Infant Pillow ($49.95)

I don't even know where to begin. I guess people will do just about anything to help their baby fall asleep...even if that means cradling him in a muppet's amputated hands. According to the folks who manufacture this little wonder, "The Zaky is designed to imitate the look and feel of a parent’s hand and forearm." Um, excuse me. My hand is not equipped with ginormous kielbasa fingers, thankyouverymuch.

The Original Baby Bullet (4 easy payments of $19.95)

OK, so this product isn't actually scary or gross (it's just a food processor), but the verbiage is a little...off. Behold, the specially patented Baby Blend Blade! It's just what you need for...blending babies? Not to mention the name of the product suggests loading a baby into a gun. I'm pretty sure that's illegal.

Metallica Lullabies ($14.29)
Finally, I can soothe my baby to sleep with the dulcet tones of the same rage-filled music that has been the soundtrack for the lives of countless disaffected Emo/Goth teens! Exit light...enter night. Almost as good as "Rock-a-Bye Baby" with its falling cradles and whatnot.

The Snotsucker ($15.00)

When Asher got his first cold, I was all like, "HE CAN'T BREATHE THROUGH HIS NOSE THE WORLD IS COMING TO AN END I'M THE WORST MOTHER EVER!" And that feeling, my friends, will cause you to buy anything. Even something as disgusting as this--the Mom/Sucker case in point (literally?). I actually own one of these. It isn't nearly as gross as it sounds/looks, and this apparatus actually works much better than the bulbs they give you at the hospital. BUT it is something I would have never, ever considered buying--much less traveling specifically to Whole Foods (about 40 minutes away) just to find it--before becoming a mom. My pediatrician recommended it, so...I bought it. Of course.

Pacifier Teeth ($3.80)

I've actually seen babies sporting the pacifiers that make them look like they have buck teeth...a little silly, but when you spend your days changing poopie diapers, saying the word "poopie" more than you ever imagined you would, and wondering if you'll ever shower again, you get your jollies where you can, I suppose, even if it is at the expense of your child. But a pacifier with vampire teeth? Curse you, Stephanie Meyer.

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How to be a Perfect Parent

When we brought the little man home from the hospital, I was certain that, if we held him all the time, he would never be able to go to sleep unless he was in someone's arms...so I made everyone (all the grandparents) routinely put him in his bassinet to sleep. And I made sure that he stayed awake, just for a few minutes, after every feeding, so he wouldn't associate eating with going to sleep and therefore need to eat in order to fall asleep. I freaked out when lights and/or the television was on at night, because he might get his days and nights mixed up.

Add all that to a heaping pile of postpartum depression and you can imagine how fun it was to be at my house after the baby came home!

Being a parent involves the steepest learning curve I have ever experienced, and the training is completely on-the-job. Six months have passed, and I'm not as crazy as I was. I've gotten a handle on some things. I've read lots of books and listened to lots of moms. And here is what I've figured out:

1. NEVER co-sleep with your baby. You will make him dependent on you to fall asleep, and you and your husband will never again have the bed to yourselves. Your child will sleep there until he moves away to college. Good luck having another kid.
2. NEVER let your baby sleep in his crib, in his room, all alone. He will feel abandoned and unloved. You won't be able to sleep because you will be wracked with guilt over abandoning your baby. Your child will miss out on the trust and attachment that is crucial to his emotional development at this age. He will probably become Goth/Emo as a teenager.
3. NEVER pick up your baby the first time he cries. He needs to learn to self-soothe, or else you will find yourself cuddling a sobbing 18-year-old at his high school graduation ceremony. You will ruin any chance he has at a stable, non-codependent relationship.
4. NEVER let your baby cry. Cry-it-out methods have been shown to create lasting psychological damage in mothers and children. If you let your baby cry, you are essentially saying to him, "I don't care." You'll most likely turn your child into a sociopath. Way to go, mom.
5. NEVER give a breastfed baby a bottle or a pacifier. He will fall victim to "nipple confusion" and you won't be able to breastfeed any more, which means your baby will develop allergies and probably syphilis.

There you go. Hope that was helpful.