How to: Fly with an Infant

The first time we ever flew somewhere with Asher, he was 6 weeks old and had both parents on hand. Our pediatrician gave us this suggestion: "Take twice as much stuff as you think you need--bottles, toys, diapers, tylenol. Be prepared for anything." The trip was uneventful, so we hauled around a ton of stuff that we didn't end up using...but I was definitely prepared for anything.

I've flown by myself with Asher twice since then (once to Florida and once to Alabama), and let me tell you--it's a whole different ball game when you don't have the other parent (or even just another adult with functioning arms) to hand the baby to. Roomy family restrooms are nice for changing diapers, but what do you do with the baby when YOU need to pee? (The answer is "hold them." Weird and gross.) How do you manage to get through security when you have to take the baby out of the carrier or stroller and hold him WHILE you fold everything up and put it on the xray belt? (The answer is "slowly, and with much perspiration and under-your-breath swearing.") And eating? Just forget about eating. Think of it as a way to shed some of the unwanted postpartum poundage.

But the mother of all questions is, WHAT in the name of everything holy do you do with a baby who cries THE ENTIRE TIME they are on the airplane?

Oh, I was prepared. I had every single one of Asher's favorite toys. I had teething rings and bottles and pacifiers galore. I bounced him, rocked him, sang to him (another bonus for the people around me), offered him cash, and prayed.

Nothing worked.

I apologized over and over again to the people sitting next to me, but what good did that do? You know what it's like to be trapped at 35,000 feet with a screaming infant writhing in his desperate mother's arms...I'm pretty sure that was one of the circles of hell described by Dante in The Inferno.

So what did I do? I ate a York Peppermint Patty. And as I crumpled the empty wrapper in my hand, ready to stuff it into the seat pocket in front of me, Asher stopped whimpering. He looked at me, and looked at my hand. I gave him the wrapper. And for the final 30 minutes of the flight, having rejected every.single.toy.he.owns, my darling child played with the shiny silver wrapper shucked from my peppermint patty.

On the flight home, Asher had both parents at his disposal again. Both parents, and a crinkly wrapper from his daddy's Mike-N-Ikes. He was a happy camper. Fly-er. Whatever.

So, my revised travel tips go something like this: Buy your favorite candy bar at the shop across from your gate. Eat the candy and give your kid the wrapper. Enjoy the flight. You may never buy another toy again.

How to be a Perfect Parent

When we brought the little man home from the hospital, I was certain that, if we held him all the time, he would never be able to go to sleep unless he was in someone's arms...so I made everyone (all the grandparents) routinely put him in his bassinet to sleep. And I made sure that he stayed awake, just for a few minutes, after every feeding, so he wouldn't associate eating with going to sleep and therefore need to eat in order to fall asleep. I freaked out when lights and/or the television was on at night, because he might get his days and nights mixed up.

Add all that to a heaping pile of postpartum depression and you can imagine how fun it was to be at my house after the baby came home!

Being a parent involves the steepest learning curve I have ever experienced, and the training is completely on-the-job. Six months have passed, and I'm not as crazy as I was. I've gotten a handle on some things. I've read lots of books and listened to lots of moms. And here is what I've figured out:

1. NEVER co-sleep with your baby. You will make him dependent on you to fall asleep, and you and your husband will never again have the bed to yourselves. Your child will sleep there until he moves away to college. Good luck having another kid.
2. NEVER let your baby sleep in his crib, in his room, all alone. He will feel abandoned and unloved. You won't be able to sleep because you will be wracked with guilt over abandoning your baby. Your child will miss out on the trust and attachment that is crucial to his emotional development at this age. He will probably become Goth/Emo as a teenager.
3. NEVER pick up your baby the first time he cries. He needs to learn to self-soothe, or else you will find yourself cuddling a sobbing 18-year-old at his high school graduation ceremony. You will ruin any chance he has at a stable, non-codependent relationship.
4. NEVER let your baby cry. Cry-it-out methods have been shown to create lasting psychological damage in mothers and children. If you let your baby cry, you are essentially saying to him, "I don't care." You'll most likely turn your child into a sociopath. Way to go, mom.
5. NEVER give a breastfed baby a bottle or a pacifier. He will fall victim to "nipple confusion" and you won't be able to breastfeed any more, which means your baby will develop allergies and probably syphilis.

There you go. Hope that was helpful.