Mom: It's just another word for "Sucker."

I don't know what it is about being a mom that makes us particularly susceptible to buying products that would, pre-baby, have been labeled "a total waste of money," "silly," "gross," and/or "absolutely terrifying." Perhaps it's that perfect mixture of pervasive guilt, overwhelming love, liquefied mommy brains, extreme sleep-deprivation, and a tendency toward retail therapy that makes us the perfect target for marketers of freaky baby stuff. I don't know. All I know is that this stuff scares/grosses the crap out of me (kind of like Goosey Goosey Gander).

Zaky Infant Pillow ($49.95)

I don't even know where to begin. I guess people will do just about anything to help their baby fall asleep...even if that means cradling him in a muppet's amputated hands. According to the folks who manufacture this little wonder, "The Zaky is designed to imitate the look and feel of a parent’s hand and forearm." Um, excuse me. My hand is not equipped with ginormous kielbasa fingers, thankyouverymuch.

The Original Baby Bullet (4 easy payments of $19.95)

OK, so this product isn't actually scary or gross (it's just a food processor), but the verbiage is a little...off. Behold, the specially patented Baby Blend Blade! It's just what you need for...blending babies? Not to mention the name of the product suggests loading a baby into a gun. I'm pretty sure that's illegal.

Metallica Lullabies ($14.29)
Finally, I can soothe my baby to sleep with the dulcet tones of the same rage-filled music that has been the soundtrack for the lives of countless disaffected Emo/Goth teens! Exit light...enter night. Almost as good as "Rock-a-Bye Baby" with its falling cradles and whatnot.

The Snotsucker ($15.00)

When Asher got his first cold, I was all like, "HE CAN'T BREATHE THROUGH HIS NOSE THE WORLD IS COMING TO AN END I'M THE WORST MOTHER EVER!" And that feeling, my friends, will cause you to buy anything. Even something as disgusting as this--the Mom/Sucker case in point (literally?). I actually own one of these. It isn't nearly as gross as it sounds/looks, and this apparatus actually works much better than the bulbs they give you at the hospital. BUT it is something I would have never, ever considered buying--much less traveling specifically to Whole Foods (about 40 minutes away) just to find it--before becoming a mom. My pediatrician recommended it, so...I bought it. Of course.

Pacifier Teeth ($3.80)

I've actually seen babies sporting the pacifiers that make them look like they have buck teeth...a little silly, but when you spend your days changing poopie diapers, saying the word "poopie" more than you ever imagined you would, and wondering if you'll ever shower again, you get your jollies where you can, I suppose, even if it is at the expense of your child. But a pacifier with vampire teeth? Curse you, Stephanie Meyer.

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Say your prayers...OR ELSE

There are a number of nursery rhymes that I find...questionable. "Rub a dub dub, three men in a tub..." Really? That sounds like the beginning of an adult film. And how about the old woman who lived in the shoe? First of all, she lives in a SHOE. Then she doesn't give her kids anything to eat, and she beats them. Old Mother Hubbard? PETA and the SPCA are looking for you, lady. Great bedtime reading.

Well, I have an entire book of these little gems, and we can just add this one to the list: Goosey Goosey Gander. For those of you who may not be familiar:

Goosey Goosey Gander
whither shall I wander?
Upstairs, downstairs,
and in my lady's chamber.

There I met an old man
who wouldn't say his prayers.
I took him by the left leg
and threw him down the stairs.

WHAT?!? OK, first of all, who is the speaker in this little ditty? Is this a conversation between a person and a goose? Here's how I see it: Dude asks Goose a question, and Goose responds with the story of his violent interlude with the pagan old man. (What was the author SMOKING?)

What was the old man doing in the lady's chamber (besides not saying his prayers)? Sounds pretty creepy to me. And exactly how does a goose seize someone by the leg with enough force and leverage to throw said person down the stairs? Keep in mind...you're supposed to read this little rhyme TO YOUR CHILDREN.

Is this supposed to encourage children to say their prayers? Because fear--fear of psychotic ageist geese--is the greatest motivator.